Tag Archives: TV shows

Why the Clone Wars is NOT a Kids Show, In 15 Pictures

The Clone Wars is a one-time love-it-or-hate-it deal. Many people understandably have issues with it, and it’s been called a “kiddie show” even by fans of the movies. The combination of an animated format, cheesy music, and cartoonish antics have earned it enough hate to be dubbed as “not true Star Wars” and “just a bit of fun for kids.”

This is not true. The show might even be less kid-friendly than the movies. Sure, it has no blood, but it’s still a dark, violent show, and many scenes have more weight about them than a small child can comprehend. This is true especially for children who have not seen the movies because they are targeted to a slightly older audience, and because some are PG-13 (such as Revenge of the Sith, the end of which is essential to understanding and enjoying the depth of the Clone Wars). Here’s why toddlers should stay away from this show, for better or worse.

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Jedi training ordinary Separatist citizens to riot and rebel against their government and become notorious terrorists and extremists
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A dozen people decapitated because they refused to join a terrorist cell
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A terrorist group of so-called Mandalorians casually torching up a village of innocents to show their strength
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A cyborg about to decapitate a psycho on screen for all those toddlers to see
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A lizard-person hunting enslaved kids for sport
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An alien zombie with a worm up its nose, straight from your nightmares
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A worm that enters through your nose or ears and turns you into a zombie before eating your brain completely
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Clones fighting their comrades on orders of a fallen Jedi
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The same Jedi slaughtering his own men
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Clones executing clones for questioning risky and ruthless orders from the same Jedi
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A guy committing suicide after terrorists took over his planet
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A twi’lek committing suicide
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Anakin, forced to either kill his master, kill his apprentice, or complete his turn to the Dark Side
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A lecture on war budgets and corrupt governments that every six-year-old will understand and enjoy, as told by a homicidal terrorist mastermind
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And finally, foreshadowing of Anakin’s fall, the rise of Darth Vader, and the beginning of an era of evil for the galaxy

…and all that is only a small sample of the hidden darkness in this seemingly innocent cartoon. If your kid wasn’t messed up before…

The fact that it is for an older audience could be good or bad. It’s good because if you enjoyed it, you don’t have to be ashamed of actually liking a kid show. It’s bad because it shows what a dumb move it was to try to sell toys from it, and because it proves that Lucasfilm was just too lazy to produce it in live-action. It also brings up the question of just how much more enjoyable a TV-14 live-action show would have been instead of a TV-Y7 cartoon, for both the Clone Wars and Rebels.

Still not convinced? Watch the show again and see for yourself.

The Evolution of the TIE Fighter

Sienar Fleet Systems is one of the most successful starfighter engineering companies, rivaling Kuat Drive Yards (Slave 1, Jedi Starfighter, most star destroyers) and the Correllian Engineering Corps (Millennium Falcon, other freighters and civilian ships). But despite the company’s success, it was never well-known, largely thanks to Palps and his Empire. The company was Imperialized and ordered to build only one line of fighters: the TIEs. The result is a long line of models and variants used by the Empire and later the First Order. This is list every one of those in the official canon universe.

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Imperial TIE Fighter: The ship that started it all, the TIE/ln space superiority starfighter. It has powerful, agile twin ion engines, and it’s the standard fighter in the Imperial fleet. It has no one speciality, and it’s used for just about anything from recon and routine patrol to dogfights and skirmishes to all-out fleet battles.

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TIE Bomber: The TIE/sa bomber is a modified version of the galactic standard TIE fighter, specialized for areal bombardment and general destruction. It’s heavy armor and bulkiness cost speed and maneuverability, so it usually requires an escort squadron, but its firepower and bombing capabilities rival that of a republic Y-wing.

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TIE Advanced Prototype: The Grand Inquisitor’s personal fighter has speed and firepower beyond that of ordinary TIEs. It also has life support and air circulation for flying without a suit, and basic shields to replace heavy armoring. It was the first prototype in a line of improved TIEs that were not mass produced, and reserved exclusively for the Imperial elite.

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TIE Advanced X1: Other than the prototype, this is the first non-mass produced TIE fighter. A combination of heavy firepower, strong shields, powerful sublights, and a capable hyperdrive make it an ideal choice for high ranking Imperials–or even Sith lords. Darth Vader made it his chosen ride and jumped in to hunt some rebels during the Battle of Yavin.

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TIE Interceptor: The TIE/IN is a real force to be reckoned with. It is reserved for Imperial pilots who have survived twenty or more combat missions. While the fighter has no hyperdrive or shields, its outstanding speed and maneuverability compensate the disadvantages. This variant has one simple purpose: to engage and destroy rebel starfighters. It has four laser canons on its wingtips like that allow it to match an X-wing and two more on the sides, speed to rival an A-wing, and firepower capable of taking out a Y-wing with shields up.

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TIE Defender: This was the first mass-produced fighter in the TIE line that was engineered for quality. Its development was ordered by Grand Admiral Thrawn, who saw the error in the standard TIEs. The Defenders are equipped with shield generators, and have three wings instead of two to provide space for six laser canons and missile launchers. Had they replaced standard TIEs, the rebellion would have been stomped out before it could be created.

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TIE Striker: This new Imperial variant, the TIE/sk x1 experimental superiority fighter, is a sleek, fast ship designed for in-atmosphere missions. Needless to say it has no hyperdrive, though it is capable of operation in vacuum. Its large central pod is also useful for cargo transport, and its missile launchers are designed for bombardment.

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TIE Reaper: An upgrade to the Striker, the Reaper is a large in-atmosphere troop transport. Director Orson Krennic used one of these to take him and his death troopers to the surface of Scarif during the rebel invasion. This is one of the only known appearances of the ship.

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First Order TIE Fighter: After the Empire’s fall and the rise of the New Republic, Thrawn’s ideas began to resurface. The First Order manufactured a new line of TIEs, equipped with shields and improved laser canons. They are flown by two troopers: a pilot and a gunner. Being more expensive, stronger, and faster than previous fighters, this is the first truly formidable ship in the TIE line.

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First Order Special Forces TIE Fighter: The standard TIE/fo was the first step to making pilots into valuable assets instead of disposable resources, something not even the Republic considered. This is a level up even from that. The Special Forces version is outfitted with a strong hyperdrive, improved lasers and shields, and a warhead launcher. Like the Imperial TIE Interceptor, only the most experienced and successful pilots can fly one of these ships.

 

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TIE Silencer: This is Kylo Ren’s personal starfighter. While there is only one official picture of the ship, one picture says a lot. It looks like a cross between an upgraded Interceptor and an Advanced. It looks big enough for a hyperdrive and shields, and maybe missile launchers. It has four laser canons on its wings, which gives it the versatility to rival an X-wing. The tinted cockpit has no apparent function, but it looks cool. The question remains: will it live up to its looks? Is this the best personal starfighter in nine movies and nine seasons?

The Flash vs. Yoda

For this battle I’m matching up the 2014 TV show’s Earth-1 Scarlet Speedster and Yoda in Revenge of the Sith, since that’s where he really reached his best.

Weapons: Barry Allen has a lot of stuff up his sleeve. He can run really fast, for starters. But the Speedforce also gives him phasing, fast thinking, lightening bolts and in the right circumstances time travel. Yoda is stuck with the Force and a lightsaber. He has Force-speed, but he won’t outrun the Flash.

Defenses/weakness: Yoda’s lightsaber and the Force are his only defenses, and Barry has only his speed and the suit. The Flash’s main weakness is compassion. He’s willing to sacrifice himself to save others at any chance he gets. Yoda wouldn’t hurt anyone else unless there is no other way, so that weakness is negligible. Yoda refuses to wear armor or a suit and so is exposed to stray fire and explosions, but that doesn’t appear to hinder him. He doesn’t have any other weaknesses.

Skill: By season 3, Barry has enough refined control of his speed to take on any evil speedster that shows up. Yoda’s lightsaber techniques and Force powers are unmatched by anyone other than the Emperor. The tiebreaker is that Yoda has 900 years of experience to back him up.

Mindset/intentions: Yoda has no pleasure in killing the Flash, but he will do what he must, as he did when he was fighting Emperor. Whatever reason Barry has for taking on Yoda, he will do whatever it takes to defeat him, though like Yoda, he wouldn’t kill his enemy if he didn’t have to.

Use of surroundings: The Flash is better at this. Yoda has a defensive fighting style that focuses more on spins and swings and jumps.

Because both of these are “good guys,” neither would try to exploit the others weaknesses by harming anyone else, so the fight would be straightforward. Yoda’s fast lightsaber spinning would be a challenge to get through, but eventually the Flash will find a gap and disarm Yoda. It’s possible that Yoda would go offensive and throw Barry around with the Force. That is how most people defeat Barry, so it’s a good place to start. Or he would create a Force shield that prevents Barry from running at him, and deflect his lightening bolts. Either way, the Flash would probably run around in circles and create time remnants of himself. He would take on Yoda from every angle at once, forcing him to retreat. Yoda could defend himself but won’t be able to kill the Flash.

Theoretically, if the Flash doesn’t make any mistakes, Yoda couldn’t stop him with brute force (pun intended). But mind tricks work on almost anyone, and humans are very susceptible. Yoda is never seen using mind tricks, but if Obi-Wan could pull it off, so can Yoda. Given an opportunity, he could send Barry running home to rethink his life, convince him that he’s fighting the wrong person, or just make him lie down and give up. The fight would be long and hard, but the Speed-force is no match for the Force.

Star Wars, rewritten as a TV show

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Season 1: Sidious murders Plagueis, Qui-Gon trains Obi-Wan, Maul gets more character, etc. Sith reveal themselves in the last few episodes, and the duel in The Phantom Menace happens in the finale.

Season 2: Anakin grows up, the Confederacy (Seperatists) is created, the clone army is created, Padme becomes queen and then senator, the Jedi try to track down the Sith Lord. Concludes with the battle of Geonosis.

Season 3: The clone wars begins, General Grievous, Savage Oppress and Asajj Ventress’ backstory is shown, Ahsoka is introduced, Maul returns, and the Clone Wars TV series starts.

Season 4: The good parts of the Clone Wars happen (the boring parts are left out), but in longer and fewer episodes.

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Season 5: Omega Squad and the Nulls from Karen Traviss’s Republic Commando series are introduced. The Republic Commando storyline develops.

Season 6: The Republic destroys the Separatists, General Greivous is hunted down, the Clone Wars ends, the events of Revenge of the Sith happen. Also shows Han Solo’s childhood. Ends with the final battles of Revenge of the Sith.

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Season 7: The Rebels come together, Star Wars: Rebels happens, the Rebel Alliance is formed, and the backstory of Rogue One characters is shown.

Season 8: the Rebels timeline continues and ends in the finale of whatever season will be the last.

Season 9: Luke and Leia’s childhoods are explained, the events of Rogue One and events leading up to it are shown, Obi-Wan and Yoda get attention, Han shoots first, A New Hope happens, and the Rebels destroy the Death Star the in the last episodes.

Season 10: The Empire plans it’s revenge, Rebels expand their fleet, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi happen, but with more detail about Jabba and his bounty hunters, the race for Han (why Boba was the best), how Boba lives, etc. Ends with teddy bear party on Endor.

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Season 11: Leia builds a New Republic and mops up the rest of Imperial forces, Thrawn takes control, the Empire is reorganized and makes a last stand against the New Republic, Luke forms a new Jedi Order and hunts down the last of the Sith.

Season 12: Rey, Finn, Poe are introduced, the First Order rises, corruption becomes a problem in the Republic, Snoke trains Kylo, and The Force Awakens happens.

To Be Continued…

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What do you think? Is it better like this, or will infinite spin-offs be a better way to expand the universe? Comment your opinions below!