Monthly Archives: July 2017

Regarding Bigfoot

Conspiracy Theories, , , ,
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An artistic representation of a rather fat Bigfoot

This is absolutely everything you need to know about the the world’s greatest hide-and-seek champions:

  • They are known as Sasquatch or just Squatch, and the arctic variety is the Yeti or Abominable Snowman, although they could be a separate species.
  • They’re 7-10 feet tall, usually bipedal, with black, brown, reddish brown, cream, or even turquoise-stained white hair and fur.
  • Their face resembles a monkey or ape, with a flat black nose.
  • They are strong and can jump the length of their bodies.
  • They are mostly vegetarian, but have been known to eat deer, and in some cases pets, though that last one is unconfirmed. If they eat humans at all they leave no witnesses.
  • Their footprint is 12-22 inches long by 5-11 at the ball and 2-8 at the heel, similar to a bear, gorilla, or human in shape.
  • They tend to be crepuscular (active at dusk and dawn) but have been spotted in broad daylight and at night.
  • They live mostly in the Pacific Northwest and Canada, but have been spotted around the globe.
  • They tend to reside in dense and semi-dense forests in cold(ish) climates, especially old growth redwoods.
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A particularly large footprint from a Squatch who got…petrified?

Some safety tips:

  • Squatches will leave you alone if you don’t draw attention to yourself or eat good food.
  • Once provoked, offering food or acting funny is the best course of action (they have a crude sense of humor).
  • They are unaffected by pepper spray
  • They are intelligent, so don’t play dead.
  • Have some common sense and don’t attack or run from a ten foot tall ape-man.
  • Never harm a Bigfoot. They a rare and endangered species (on the endangered species list of Russia since 1965, France and Germany since 1967), and must be studied alive. A DNA sample could be worth millions.
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Because Squatch and cars don’t go well together.

Other things to note:

  • They like Kit-Kat
  • Bananas are insulting
  • They can’t sneeze
  • They can’t cry
  • North Cascades National Park, WA is the most common location of sightings in the US.
  • 21% of Americans believe in Bigfoot — 1% less than those who believe in the Big Bang

What do you think? Are they real, or just another mythical cryptid? Comment your opinion!

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A famous incident of a Squatch in the ’60s looking back at the camera he didn’t know was there

5 Best Capitol Ships

Star Wars, Top 10s, , , , , , , ,

From Star Destroyers to Dreadnaught heavy cruisers, no fleet or task force of any galaxy-wide organization is complete without a handful of capitol ships. But not all cruisers are created equal; a Victory-class really can’t compare to a Venator-class, no matter how well equipped it is. These are the 5 most advanced capitol ships from the Star Wars Expanded Universe.

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#5: Malevolence

Manufacturer: Free Dac Volunteers Engineering Corps/Pammant Docks
Model: Subjugator-class heavy cruiser
Class (length): heavy cruiser (4845 meters)
Affiliation: Confederacy of Independent Systems (aka Separatist Alliance)

General Grievous’s flagship possesses twin ion pulse cannons capable of blacking out entire capital ships in one shot. It has around 500 twin turbolasers to destroy the ships the ion blast disables. It’s hanger has space for an unknown amount of Vulture Droids, at least one landing shuttle, and Grievous’s starfighter, the Soulless One. The main inconvenience of the Malevolence is that it has an all-droid crew made up of mostly B1 battle droids–not the brightest warriors or commanders.

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#4: Finalizer

Manufacturer: Kuat Entralla Engineering
Model: Resurgent-class battlecruiser
Class (length): Battlecruiser (2915 meters)
Affiliation: First Order, Knights of Ren

The Finalizer is shared by Kylo Ren and General Hux. It is the most powerful destroyer in the First Order navy by far, being almost twice as long as Imperial-era warships. It had over 1500 turbolasers, multiple turrets, ion cannons, and tractor beams, complete with two full starfighter wings consisting of First Order TIE fighters, Special Forces TIEs and a hangar for transporters and Kylo’s shuttle.

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#3: Chimaera

Model: Imperial II-class star destroyer
Class (length): Star destroyer (1600 meters)
Affiliation: Galactic Empire, later New Republic

At first glance, a 1600 meter dead-average Imperial star destroyer may not seem like much, but it was one of the finest warships in the Imperial fleet after upgrades done by its captain, Gilad Pallaeon, such as proton torpedo launchers, upgraded shields, space for six TIE fighter squadrons, and a cloaking device. After the death of Emperor Palpatine, former Chiss Ascendancy member Mitth’raw’nuruodo, or Thrawn, chose it as his flagship after he got promoted to Grand Admiral, due to the ship’s unbroken record of efficiency and thoroughness. In the years following the reorganization of the Empire, the Chimaera was the most feared and dangerous ship in the galaxy.

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#2: Executor

Manufacturer: Kuat Drive Yards
Model: Executor-class star dreadnaught
Class (length): Star destroyer/battlecruiser (19000 meters)
Affiliation: Galactic Empire

At 19 kilometers tip to tip, Executer-class destroyers were the largest and most powerful ships the Empire ever created, considered super star destroyers along with a few other classes. The Executer was the personal flagship of Darth Vader during most of the Galactic Civil War. Under Admiral Piett, it served as command ship in the Battle of Endor and trapped the Rebels between the new Death Star and the entire Imperial Fleet. It was destroyed after a bomber squadron rendered its forward shields useless and A-Wing pilot Arvel Crynyd flew into the unprotected bridge. Piett lost control and it smashed into the Death Star.

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#1: Ascendant Spear

Manufacturer: Sith Empire
Model: Terminus-class destroyer
Class (length): Star Destroyer (unknown; >1600 meters)
Affiliation: Sith Empire

The Ascendant Spear was considered a superweapon because of its unique and outstanding capabilities. It had a Class 0.5 hyperdrive like the Millennium Falcon’s, only over fifty times more powerful due to the size of the ship, making it the most powerful hyperdrive ever built; similar ships built thousands of years later were hardly half as fast. It possessed a megalaser, which fires a concentrated energy blast powerful enough to destroy large ships in one blast. While that’s impressive, it’s not the best part. The entire ship could be piloted through bionic implants by one individual, not as a tool to control but as an extension of the body. It is rumored that the creator, Darth Mekhis, could operate the entire ship on his own, but Darth Karrid, a powerful Sith Lord, could only operate it with a steady stream of energy from her apprentices combined with her own connection to the Force, and only for a short period of time.

How Cats Are Turning Us Into Zombies

Zombies, , , , , ,

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There are many possibilities for the origin of a zombie outbreak (mad cow disease in humans, biological warfare, partial reanimation, nervous disorders, Pokemon) but there is a good chance that the real issue will be a virus spread by house cats.

There is a parasitic mind-altering protozoan called toxoplasma gondii that lives and breeds in house cat intestines that can infect almost every mammal in the world, including humans. In prey animals such as rats, it causes the loss of the animal’s innate fear of cats and cat smell, allowing it to amble right over to a cat and get eaten. Convenient, right?

In humans it’s effects can be much worse: according to CDC it’s known to lead to flu symptoms, blurred vision, eye tearing, persistent headache, fever, nausea, coordination problems, and even seizures, as well as obsessive love of cats, no matter how evil the cat really is. It can also prevent a fetus from developing properly, leading to death.

This is where it gets a little concerning in terms of human zombification. The parasite chiefly targets the brain, in some cases destroying it completely, but in others just altering it in shocking ways. It’s really not that far from creating mindless human servants for cats.

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In fact, ancient Egyptians are a perfect example of a society under the rule of cats. They held cats in higher esteem than humans–the punishment of killing a cat even accidentally was worse than for killing a human. They even worshipped a half cat half human god called Bastet. Cats themselves were often considered demi-gods. Armies were dispatched regularly to liberate kidnapped felines, and they surrendered battles if they saw a cat so it wouldn’t be harmed. After a cat died, it was mummified and buried, and the entire family would go into a deep mourning. That’s an entire society that failed to hold its own against kitties.““

And the scary part is that 50% of the world’s population–3.75 billion people–has this disease. Because it can infect any mammal and most birds, eating partially cooked meat from infected animals can give you the disease, meaning you can have the disease even if you have never touched a cat in your life.

Think twice, cat people. Do you really love your cat, or are you under its influence, slowly losing your mind?

8 Reasons why Rock Should Still Be Popular

Music, , , , , ,

Twenty-first century pop is nothing compared to the hard rock bands of the ’80s and ’90s. Today’s music will never compete with old school hard rock. Here’s why.

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It’s not about appearance. If you look at Steven Tyler today, you might throw up. But listen to his music from Aerosmith and you will change your mind. Today, “singer” and “model” are essentially synonymous.

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It’s not only about the singing. Modern pop songs are based on the vocals and rely on the singer heavily if not exclusively. Rock is defined by the guitars and keyboards and topped with vocals, not the other way around.

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It’s played on instruments, not computers. Today, if a song has any instruments in it at all, it’s usually synthetically generated. A few decades ago, music had to be played and recorded by real people with real instruments and recording hardware. It may have costed quality, but it gave authenticity.

 

Linkin Park perform in the Red Bull Sound Space at KROQ

The lyrics have meaning. Take Greenday’s American Idiot, Linkin Park’s In the End, or Skillet’s Rise. All of them have meanings beyond the generic “believe in yourself” songs of today.

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It requires talent, something that is getting rare. It’s easy to set up auto-tune or create beats in seconds on a computer. A publisher with the right friends is half the job done to become a millionaire. Playing a guitar as well as Slash or Eddie Van Halen is not something you can do in a few minutes.

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There are real concerts. 21st century live concerts consist of fancy outfits and hot dog stands. In the 80s, it was about the music and the bands. Thousands of people came to see their favorite bands in action — not for the food.

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It’s good music. People like pop because everyone else does, and because it’s all that’s played on the radio. The people who like rock like it because it’s good, especially now that it’s so hard to find.

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It won’t go down without a fight. Even after mainstream bands like Guns ‘n’ Roses and Nirvana are long gone, new ones like Breaking Benjamin and Linkin Park are keeping rock alive. It might be too much to hope for a revival, but at least it’s not going out completely anytime soon.