Tag Archives: bigfoot

Neanderthals and the Legend of Sasquatch

Homo neanderthalis is supposed to be stupid. But 40,000 years ago they had big and advanced brains like Homo sapiens. So why did humans win? Did they? What if the neanderthals were so much more advanced that they outsmarted humans, and we still haven’t caught on? This is kind of far fetched, but I will nonetheless try to support the idea that neanderthals are the ancestors of the modern Bigfoot.

Obviously, Bigfoots are smart. It takes skill to stay hidden for so long, and they pulled it off, with only a handful of remotely believable sightings ever recorded. With a bit of imagination, you can even say that the famous video of one looking back at the camera he didn’t know existed is a sign of intelligence, not ignorant costuming; it was smart enough to know that the camera was there, knew it had been found, and made the tape look like a prank. Maybe they are arranging “sightings” purposefully to leave clues to test how smart humans really are. If they have their own hidden society somewhere were no one ever bothers them, then they have much fewer problems than humans do, meaning they can focus on other things, such as taking the world back from humans.

Many of the physical characteristics match up too. Neanderthals were taller and bigger than humans, and had more hair. It would make sense that when neanderthals disappeared, they did not go extinct, just fled to the forests and mountains where humans couldn’t follow. Because of this, they lived in colder climates, they needed their hair, and didn’t evolve into hairless freaks like humans. They were meant for sprinting rather than long distance like humans, which explains why Bigfoots can hit 30 mph but rarely chase humans far. Neanderthals also had longer arms compared to their bodies, like Bigfoots.

Unfortunately this cannot be proven without capturing and DNA testing a Bigfoot/neanderthal. According to a somewhat extremely unreliable source, a Bigfoot was captured in Brazil in 1897, but all the researchers did was feed it bananas, which it appeared to take as an insult. It broke out promptly after, leaving no trace. No one has ever come any closer since then.

Regarding Bigfoot

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An artistic representation of a rather fat Bigfoot

This is absolutely everything you need to know about the the world’s greatest hide-and-seek champions:

  • They are known as Sasquatch or just Squatch, and the arctic variety is the Yeti or Abominable Snowman, although they could be a separate species.
  • They’re 7-10 feet tall, usually bipedal, with black, brown, reddish brown, cream, or even turquoise-stained white hair and fur.
  • Their face resembles a monkey or ape, with a flat black nose.
  • They are strong and can jump the length of their bodies.
  • They are mostly vegetarian, but have been known to eat deer, and in some cases pets, though that last one is unconfirmed. If they eat humans at all they leave no witnesses.
  • Their footprint is 12-22 inches long by 5-11 at the ball and 2-8 at the heel, similar to a bear, gorilla, or human in shape.
  • They tend to be crepuscular (active at dusk and dawn) but have been spotted in broad daylight and at night.
  • They live mostly in the Pacific Northwest and Canada, but have been spotted around the globe.
  • They tend to reside in dense and semi-dense forests in cold(ish) climates, especially old growth redwoods.
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A particularly large footprint from a Squatch who got…petrified?

Some safety tips:

  • Squatches will leave you alone if you don’t draw attention to yourself or eat good food.
  • Once provoked, offering food or acting funny is the best course of action (they have a crude sense of humor).
  • They are unaffected by pepper spray
  • They are intelligent, so don’t play dead.
  • Have some common sense and don’t attack or run from a ten foot tall ape-man.
  • Never harm a Bigfoot. They a rare and endangered species (on the endangered species list of Russia since 1965, France and Germany since 1967), and must be studied alive. A DNA sample could be worth millions.
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Because Squatch and cars don’t go well together.

Other things to note:

  • They like Kit-Kat
  • Bananas are insulting
  • They can’t sneeze
  • They can’t cry
  • North Cascades National Park, WA is the most common location of sightings in the US.
  • 21% of Americans believe in Bigfoot — 1% less than those who believe in the Big Bang

What do you think? Are they real, or just another mythical cryptid? Comment your opinion!

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A famous incident of a Squatch in the ’60s looking back at the camera he didn’t know was there